I have a habit of occasionally obsessively opening my ‘Notes’ app and writing words that seem to come from the air, like I am possessed by them. Sometimes this happens every day, sometimes weeks go between entries. They generally don’t make narrative sense together. Or, they only do to me.

What follows is a selectively curated view into a small portion of them. (of course they go back years, much farther than this.) A bit of exhibitionism on my part. They are some combination of poetic compositions, journal entries, opinion, cryptic fantasy, important reminders. Like my paintings, this is the world as it occasionally appears to me through a strange-coloured glass. (the world doesn’t always look like this.) Mind you, these are all funnily nestled in between grocery&to-do lists, essay outlines and school notes. I enjoyed looking back and picking some out. The retrospect and irony of a few of them have made me laugh.

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7 March 2020: “I return in habit to visit you, on an eternal, silent, invisible night, because it’s you who best understands me, who best accepts my prose, who best refracts my thoughts, who best knows the right way to play with me, to push at me, who always earnestly speaks with me. I see and hear you better than the rest. It’s you&yours who match me, walking step-for-step. Am I tracking you, or are you tracking me? Hard to tell, now, how many different sets of footprints fall behind and ahead of mine in the sand. Hard to tell anything anymore.”

20 February 2020: “My distress is accepted by your night.”

2 February 2020: “As a woman, it is dangerous to do certain things. It is dangerous to say certain things. It is dangerous to be around certain people, or to be in certain places. It can be dangerous to be honest about your desires. This hardly needs repeating, and every woman becomes aware of it it in her own way, no matter what kind of woman she is, and has to learn to reconcile with it in her own way. […]

Nature is brutal, but it’s also extremely playful. […]

And if you don’t want to play the game, you can learn about it then use the knowledge to dodge it as much as you can. Be cheeky. Laugh in the face of bullish obstinance, and of ‘powerful’ people who take themselves too seriously. Know the rules, know the script, know the expectations, and you therefore have the power to deny or break them. […]

What’s uniquely advantageous about your position? What are your skills? Are you satisfied with yourself and your position? How much room do you have to play?”

5 January 2020: “Spirit Disrupter.”

26 December 2019: “I am Venus with teeth, I am an emanation from the light of the one who is below and above, the one who waits in the sea until his season intensifies. I am a consequence of all growing vines. […]

Well, let me set the scene for you. I was chilling in the woods with all of Saturn’s kids. Was a slow day. You know how it is. Then that searing spear came down. The air gets snapping. shivering and overheated at the same time. Vision gone red. Honestly, feels divine. Well, that entrance scared the rest off. So I was left with him, alone. I asked coyly if he was planning on catching the show at the theatre. He just smirked hard at me, dark eyes laughing, didn’t answer. Wholly, unequivocally infuriating to me. So we faced each other in our usual manner for several hours, made our usual makings. As always. He outlined his plan of attack to me. Then we vanished together to check up on the other side of the river. Counting stars, I noticed the expanse of sky was struck and bleeding. Then it all got dark.”

12 December 2019: “I’ve tried to make you leave and you refuse. instead you wait, jump and surprise me until I am a stranger to the words leaving my own mouth. I’m left to puzzle over what I say. I turned my back and there you were again. So let’s celebrate every year and moment.”

30 November 2019: “Remember and account for this: the weather and the landscape does not only affect you, but also affects your enemies.”

9 November 2019: “Some of them you have to carefully, slowly craft a relationship with. you have to hold certain rites and maintain certain prerequisites to get their attention at all, to get even a simple acknowledgement. you have to play a part they can recognize.

Some of them are with you no matter what you do or don’t do, from your first breath. even if you turn away and shun them they reappear and reshape you, suddenly, disruptively.”

27 October 2019: “Everything that you find within yourself, you must integrate. It is impossible to cleanly exorcise and forget what’s uncomfortable or harsh in you. You must make a benevolent place and expression for all aspects of yourself. For everything. Otherwise, those unaddressed parts of yourself will maliciously disrupt your life in their efforts to make themselves realized. In a way that you can’t control or expect.”

16 October 2019: “I really want to be the lamb but I never really am. […] They derive pleasure when they can cause you to change your course.”

27 August 2019: “Stay here with me, beside the fountain. In our embrace, we triumph over death.”

8 August 2019: “So I was out in the yard, making some experiments, as is want to do under a waxing moon, when unprompted and uncalled Hierophant showed up! His ever-sneering form tangled all around the brambles. Of course I stood my ground and held my dagger. He was looking to harvest some fruit he’d been cultivating, but of course, it is rotted by this season. Already sold off. He should have known, could have come to get it earlier. I told him rather sharply he shouldn’t have lost his old face, because this new one didn’t fit him so well, and I wasn’t fooled. He said he would fix it by the next time he visited. Hmm. I have my reservations. When, which time, has he shown up most truly to me? In how many lifetimes has he kept crossing my path? Guess we’ll see. Bring me orchids while you’re at it…”

20 July 2019: “Yet all this was just a masquerade, a game between the two of us, binding us more closely together, kindling the fire of our passion for one another. It was all a fairy-tale experience, made richer by an additional dimension. Everything was both real and make-believe, symbolic. We noticed, together, a very beautiful woman who looked slightly ailing and out of sorts…”

16 July 2019: “The snake that cannot shed its skin will perish. […] Your word I have hid in my heart, that I might not sin against you.”

6 July 2019: “There is a serpent in the air. It has been there forever, since the genesis of time. Watch after the fangs.”

24 May 2019: “I asked of him, what now? Too cold here to see. He said, gravely, lowered tone, steady gaze, give them a run-through with me. That he knew it would be difficult, and exhausting, but that it would benefit me tenfold. And he would protect me more than any other, he would keep my mind clear, safe, calm, free from harm. He would watch out at my back, would look after me as I operated. … feeling both disconcerted and assured, I ruminated… and he pointed out too many shipwrecks. But I had seen him everywhere lately. And I had nothing better to do.”