SIENNA: I see you. You follow me everywhere. Don’t think I am naive, I know you are there. You take so many different forms, faces, all the time, and you haunt me both ethereally, metaphorically and physically. So I have decided to sit down and have a talk with you.

ULTRAMARINE: Okay, you’ve always been free to talk to me. Why don’t you make us some peppermint tea again?

SIENNA: I’ve tried a lot of different approaches with you. I’ve made certain offerings and pacts.

ULTRAMARINE: And I have upheld them, even into the strings of the future that you cannot see.

SIENNA: The problem is, that future always feels just on the verge of becoming, but I’m not sure that it becomes. You always say that. “Oh, dear Sienna, let me comfort you, let me ghost over you tonight.” Then I stay pliant while you ghost over me, and the wind whips around outside. While you stand in doorways and stare at me.

ULTRAMARINE: You strive upwards towards the highest point of heaven, my love.

SIENNA: Yes, I have the highest point of heaven in my toolbox. I am good at that now. I walk through fields of eternal light, and I can summon all good fortune. I can clear a room in a minute, if I’d like. I can cast out all demons. Every demon heeds me, and every helper helps me.

ULTRAMARINE: Yes.

SIENNA: Yet not you. You pull me towards you because of my deep hunger for you. Certain paths set out for me to walk take me away from those fields. And it’s you. Do you seek to destroy me? But you play this game of cat and mouse, and I can’t tell who’s who. You show and hide yourself, you tease me, you are hard to pin down. Impossible to pin down. So is my fate in this particular lifetime to just keep chasing you, to keep begging for you to help me with my armour? To cry after you, to pursue you as I’m being pursued?

You are supposed to know about my hunger, but how can you? I expect that you will feel the same hunger I do. But do you? How often have I fallen at your feet?

ULTRAMARINE: I have been on the other side. I have been you before. Please, calm down.

SIENNA: Even as you ask me to calm down, I can see that glint in your eye. I’m amusing you. You want chaos.

ULTRAMARINE: Yes, don’t you?

SIENNA: It’s not that I want chaos, but that I expect and accept it. I know it is a part of life, it is life itself. Drumbeat of blood. It is a foundational component of me, my soul, and of the world in turn. So I cannot be scared of it, because it will happen no matter what. It always happens. It is the outcome of every option. Maybe my attitude is a survival tactic, but yes, I have grown to respect and love chaos. When the waves wash over my life, I am submissive to them. There is power in that, in letting go of control. Then chaos can’t really hurt you, if you become integrated. There is no fear. If you try to hold onto control, you are set up to fall. That is very, very painful. So I bend and change, and smile, but I do not break. And I’ll take anything you throw at me.

ULTRAMARINE: Well, yes, that’s the secret. You’re much more adapted and prepared than many others. But what are you going to do with that skill?

SIENNA: I’m going to live a beautiful, full life. But why can’t you step over the horizon and come with me? Please.

ULTRAMARINE: I am always with you. I will always be and have always been with you. I will come up out of the depths to meet you, too, but I am already there. Be patient, little seeker, stay bright, and I’ll bring the calvary you crave. Hold your radiance, and I’ll deconstruct you, without hesitation. Again, and again, and again. That’s what you want, isn’t it? I know your fate. You agreed to it before you were born. Within it, you thrive. Shh, it’s okay.